Career

Its going to be 2010 soon and people around may know that there has been a lot of changes at my work place. There are many not good changes and some good ones. Many good people have left or are leaving. And like Nero playing his fiddle when Rome burned, it seems like the leadership are concentrating on the minutiae rather then focusing on the important core issues.

The good things are that I am running my own ward. I have some degree of independence and flexibility. My request to run my own service has also been approved in principle. I will be able to set up a service in my chosen field of interest.

But I am having serious doubts. Are the good things enough to outweigh the bad? Running a service…will I be up to the challenge? It takes a large amount of passion, self belief and self confidence to make a clinical service successful. Hard work and long hours of planning being already part of the equation. People management, to inspire, to lead and to cultivate are also important. I’m not sure I am capable of all of this. As it is, I feel that I am just bumbling along. I don’t think I am managing people very well either….Sigh, the honest truth is, I don’t really think I’m up to all of this…

There are alternatives. One would be to strike out on my own. It has its attractions and challenges. Its something to ponder on as the new year comes.

And so this is Christmas…

We celebrated our kid’s second christmas. We had a real tree which unlike last year, they actually helped (in a way) trim. And as expected, they got lots of soft toys. It was nice to hear a “wow!” from Hannah as she opened one of the gifts. And this year was especially special because it was our first Christmas after Hannah’s operation. Maybe I was being maudlin but I wasn’t entirely sure, or rather I did not dare hope that we would see this Christmas as a complete family. So even if we were all short tempered cos the kids weren’t sleeping well and still adjusting to being together again and even if my folks aren’t on the best of terms and snapping at each other, it was a special Christmas.

Circles (slightly late)

I’m sitting at my daughter’s cotside, holding vigil at the hospital again. It’s hard to believe that it has been less then 2 weeks since I first watched over her. Then, I was filled with fear and worry. Over all that she’d have to suffer. And that I will never see her smile or hear her giggles again. Or feel her hugs and baby kisses.

It was a difficult few weeks. Not just the worry over Hannah but having to make ensure that Sophie, her twin, doesn’t feel neglected. It was touching and heartbreaking to watch Sophie keep asking where her sister was.

And my wife and I have come to realise…we’ve become a family. Life is empty without our kids around. Something is missing without both our daughters together…with us.

She’s due for discharge tomorrow. Hopefully. And she’s got a chance at life. And our family will be together again.

Oh wow…

Oh wow. Its hard to believe its only been a week since my daughter had had her cardiac surgery. Its been a tough ride. The first two days after her op, she was very unstable with problems cropping up one after another. It was made doubly difficult as her twin sister, whom had never been separated from her since birth (except for the month she had to be in hospital for her first cardiac op), felt her absence and kept asking for her.

Thank God she is now stable and getting better day by day. We hope that she will be discharged before christmas. It will be nice to celebrate Christmas with her around.

And through this time, as with all difficult times, we were/are touched by the amount of concern and care that people have shown. My cousin, whom I was never was very close to, has been visiting regularly. My church has been sending regular SMSes as well as praying for us. Friends have been dropping words of encouragement as well as offering to help in whatever way they can. My in-laws rushed down from Malaysia when they heard that Hannah wasn’t doing so well.

Of course I must admit that I am disappointed by some relatives/friends. I had expected more from them. But as my wife rationalised, they may have problems of their own.

But in the end, I am grateful. My God has been good and faithful. I am deeply touched by my friends and relatives. My Hannah is doing well and hopefully will be home soon.

The price of parenthood

Today, Hannah was admitted to hospital. She is due to undergo open heart surgery tomorrow to correct her congential heart defect.

I’m sitting beside her cot in hospital and watching her sleep. How did this little thing become so precious to me? I’ve only known her for a year and a half…and I would move mountains if I could for her. But I can’t. Not in this case. I can but hope,love, pray and try to have faith.

But the price of parenthood is letting your heart feel not only the joys but the sorrows of your child.

A moment of bliss

Last Sunday, my wife decided that I needed a birthday cake. And she wanted something that our twins could eat. So she did a search and found The Pastissier which sold expensive designer cakes. She got me a strawberry shortcake. It was a different buying experience. For the first time, we had to call to reserve a cake and leave credit cake details.

Anyway, we decided to go after the twins’ afternoon nap. We duly drove down and bought the cake. Initially we thought we could wander around that area till it was their dinner time and feed them dinner before going home. But the cake was sponge with oodles and oodles of fresh cream. We still thought that since we were already out, and there were some ice packs in the cake box, to wander around a bit.

We walked over to Robertson Quay and let the twins wander by the river’s edge. It was a bright sunny day. Almost like what summer was like in Newcastle, minus the humidity and heat. My audacious wife, then decided to ask The Brussel Sprouts restaurant staff if we could store the cake with them. The wonderful staff kindly agreed. So we passed them the cake and sat down. We ordered beers (for ourselves) and mussels and let the kids wander around.

It was a sublime moment.

Materialism

I’ll probably get a lot of flames for this. But here it goes. Singaporeans are materialistic. Yup, we are. Turn on the radio, switch on the television, open the newspapers. Its all about where are the latest sales, the best places to buy or shop. Cars, houses, phones, stuff. But in our chase, in our pursuit of such stuff, I think we forget or leave behind things that should be important. Things like relationships, self discovery, family, even self improvement for its own sake.

I’m very much guilty of it myself. I collect fountain pens, I love collecting and drinking good wines, sake and whisky. But for a brief moment, when we were away in Newcastle, I caught a glimpse of what it would be like where time with the family, time with friends and time for yourself was so much more important then just the latest phone or gadget. And nowadays, the pursuit of these things rings just a little hollow.

Settling in…

Its been slightly over a month since we have returned to motherland. Initially, we found it difficult to adjust to the weather, the food, the space or lack thereof and even the state of childcare facilities but its amazing how things have gone back to as before, our time in the UK seems like a distant and vague memory. Fast fading into the past. But at the same time, things are different. In the time I was away, many of my good friends have decided to seek their fortune away from where we worked together. I wish them all the best and I’m envious of the adventure that they are about to embark. I shall miss their company and the good times we had together.

At home, we have just gotten a new helper. I hope that she will be better then the previous one. Employing helpers are such a gamble. We’ve bought a new car as well, the kids are growing so big that fitting into our current car is a squeeze best left for short trips to the supermarket. It will be useful for when my wife goes back to work as well.

Besides that, there are changes for myself in the workplace as well. I’m not longer considered a junior. And a lot of new responsibilities have been placed on me. Its an interesting growing experience. Much like being an officer in the armed forces. I have been both an grunt as well as an officer. And as a grunt, you think only of your fellow grunt and yourself. As an officer, you think of everybody below you. And things that you would have not endured before as a grunt, you do so as an officer…because you are leading. Its quite a challenge and unfortunately, there does not seem to be any manuals around. But hopefully, I am able to learn as I go along. I have already learnt one important thing, this road is walked alone.

Finally, my poor Hannah is going for her operation next month. Its apparently considered a routine major as opposed to complex major…all I know is that I look into her giggling face when I come home and my heart breaks. I’m trying to trust God, that He will watch over her as He has done so all this while…but its hard. Sigh.

Home

Well…we are home. The last week in Newcastle was event filled. Initially we thought we had finished packing and needn’t even send a parcel home. But when we finally tried to squeeze most of our stuff in, we were overloaded. So we sent off 1 parcel. 24kg. Then we tried to finish our packing…and things kept appearing. Last minute clothes, people giving stuff. We tried to be as merciless as possible and discard all our old clothes but the weight just kept piling on! In the end, on the very day we were leaving, I had to rush down and send off another parcel. 15kg…and we were still 15 kg overweight.

We made some nice friends in Newcastle. My wife got to know some folks in the playgroups and our neighbours were nice too. On the Saturday before we left, one of our neighbours invited us to their son’s restaurant in Durham, a historic town about 30 minutes away from Newcastle. It was located into an old pump house and served English food. The son was the main chef. It was good hearty english fare which products sourced from around the region. The menu even had a disclaimer that although they try, sometimes small pieces of bone or shot may still be present. But besides that, the company was lovely. The gentleman is older then my father and the wife is only slightly younger then my mom, but they were good conversationist and talked freely about their past and about Newcastle.  When we first arrived, they made us feel very welcomed and we really appreciate all they have done.

The Sunday, we finally made it to my supervisor’s place for tea. He had wanted to invite us for lunch but with the kids’ naptime, it was just not possible. His wife put together a sumptious spread and even brought back toys from her work place!

All in all, it was a wonderful experience. Not just for myself in my capacity as a doctor but for my family as well. In my profession, I was able to spread my wings in directions I previously never explored. I could benchmark myself against world class people in my field…and I found I didn’t fare too poorly. It still left plenty of time for me to spend with my family and watch my kids grow up. In the time we were there, my girls went from crawling to walking and from not speaking to babbling. I was blessed to be able to be present at all of this. I won’t deny that we had some difficult times. When the kids had 40 degree fevers or when they refused to eat due to their mouth ulcers, the times my wife and I argued all night long…but it was a good time.

Sigh..time to return to planet Earth.

Last weekend

It was a glorious way to end the attachment. Our last weekend was bright and sunny despite it being already Autumn. The leaves were turning gold and red. The roads and paths were filled with a covering of brown and gold carpet of leaves. We visited the coast one last time and had lunch in a crowded little cafe just by the beach. We also visited this forest park reserve where we walked along the trees and wooded forest one last time.

It was a nice way to say goodbye.

I must confess I am not looking forward to returning home. The kids will probaly have a tough time adjusting to the warmer, more humid climate and there are a lot of changes at the work place…but life goes on.

In case anyone was wondering about the free figs, whilst we were Edinburgh, we had gone into a Tescos Express to buy some breakfast stuff, the figs were on offer so my wife grabbed some. However, at the payment counter, the lady said that the figs were not keyed into the system and she could not take payment for them. Then the manager told her to just give them to us…so we happily strolled out with a bunch of free figs…ah..life’s little pleasures.

I wonder if I should continue this blog upon my return.